Phantom: The Abriged Fanfiction
by Googleeyes
Summary: Now presenting the Phantom of the Opera- HUMOROUSLY CONDENSED! Raoul tries to be too cool for school, Christine can't decide on emotions,the Phantom has issues, and cast shortages ensue. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

_This is a script that I wrote for a series of plays my sister and I were going to put on with either her friends or our cousins. The basic idea was to take movies/musicals/books and condense them into a shorter, spoofy summary we could put on as plays. So that's the basic idea. Oh, and we didn't have a massive amount of people to play the parts, so that's the reason for most of the cast shortage thingies. Just so you know._

* * *

Signboard goes across the stage reading _Paris Opera House: 1881_

(Rehearsals are underway for Hannibal. Chaos ensues.)

Old manager: People, people, shut up, please!

People: shut up

O.M.: Good. Now, I have an important announcement to make. I'm finally retiring and escape- uh, reluctantly leaving you all. Here's your new manager, Monsieur Richard Andre Monchar-Firmin. I had planned to hire another manager as well, but he has been assassinated due to cast shortages. Also, here is your new snob, uh, I mean patron. His name is Raoul de Changy. Everyone, have fun, enjoy, and I am outta here!

(O.M. exits hurriedly.)

Raoul: Hi, people! I am totally not here just for the girls, money, and my responsibility as an aristocrat to make periodic public appearances. I actually enjoy the music, really. Now, have a great rehearsal, I have better things to do. Bye!

(Raoul exits.)

Manager: Uh, I have no idea what to do. Rehearse, or something. I'll be watching from that corner.

(Manager retreats to corner, chaos re-ensues, Christine and Meg discuss Raoul.)

Meg: OMG, he's so totally hot!

Christine: (dreamily) Yeah, I know. I think I knew him once, when we were little kids. He gave me a really weird nickname and we played at this beach house when my daddy was still alive. (Suddenly sad. Sniffles.) I miss my daddy! (Bursts into tears.)

Meg: Pats her back. Yes, yes, I know. But he's still so hot!

(Carlotta is throwing a hissy fit. Loudly. Manager walks over.)

Manager: Please, Carlotta, sing! Everyone loves you! I love you!

Carlotta: I know, I know. I am just so irresistible. But no, I will not sing! My costume, it sucks!

Manager: Well, I can fix that! Or better yet, I'll get someone else to fix it! But now, sing! There is a wonderful song for you to mangle in act three!

Carlotta: Fine, fine, I will do as you say, but only to please my loyal fans.

Meg: snickers What fans?

Christine: Smacks her. Meg shuts up.

Carlotta: Sings loudly, in an inhumanly high key, and off-key to boot. Everyone plugs their ears.

Mysterious backdrop: Falls on Carlotta. Everyone resists the urge to throw a party and settles for cheering quietly.

Carlotta: Screeches. That is it! I'm done! I am leaving and I will not come back!

(Carlotta storms off.)

Manager: Oh, snap.

Meg: Christine can sing it! She's awesome and has a mysterious voice teacher!

Madame Giry: Oh, also, the Opera Ghost wants his paycheck.

Manager: His _what_?

Madame Giry: I'll explain later.

(Christine starts singing. She is amazing. The scene somehow changes to the gala night, where Christine is rocking the stage with her amazingly high voice. Raoul is watching.)

Raoul: Dude, I think I know her! She was that little girl who was stupid enough to lose her scarf in the sea. She's awesome now! Sweet! I think I'll meet her after the performance.

(We are now in some room where Christine and Meg are having a heartfelt chat.)

Meg: Girl, you rocked! Who's your teacher?

Christine: He's the angel my dead father promised to send me! He hides behind my mirror and sings to me!

Meg: Christine, I fear for your sanity.

(Christine smiles crazily.)

(We are now in Christine's dressing room. She is smiling at herself in the mirror when Raoul comes in.)

Raoul: Little Lotte! Remember me?

Christine: Raoul! That seaside holiday was amazing.

Raoul: Yeah, I know. Hey, you were great. Wanna go out for dinner?

Christine: I can't, my angel won't let me. He's very controlling.

Raoul: Oh, who cares about some stupid imaginary angel, let's eat!

Christine: No, he's real! I mean it!

Raoul: Sure, honey. I'll be back in a few minutes while you change into something pretty and possibly revealing.

(Raoul leaves. Christine contemplates her wardrobe.)

Christine: Hmm, what to wear? How about that new translucent dressing gown? Yes, it's perfect!

Angel: WAAA!

Christine: Oh, snap.

Angel: That little wuss better leave you alone if he wishes to remain among the realm of the living!

Christine: (Hysterical and in tears.) No, please don't kill him! I'll never see him again, I promise! And please don't leave me!

Angel: Humph.

Raoul: Bangs on the door. WHAT ARE YOU _DOING_? WHO'S IN THERE? LET ME IN!

Christine: Angel, come to me!

Raoul: WHAT? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU TALKED TO ANGELS!

Angel: Come to _me_, Christine. Come to me!

(Christine walks into the mirror toward a masked man in a suit. Her angel. Raoul bursts into the room, but it is too late.)

Phantom and Christine: Begin to head down some dark passageways

Christine: So, where are we going?

Phantom: You'll see...

Awkward silence ensues until they reach a gondola.

Christine: Uh, what's this?

Phantom: A gondola, my angel. I will use it to take you across the lake to my house.

Christine: Cool!

They begin their journey across the lake and the Phantom decides on something to keep him occupied.

Phantom: Sing for me, my angel of music!

Christine: What? Oh, do I really have to go that high? My voice is kind of sore from earlier tonight. Crowd-astounding gala performance and all.

Phantom: Oh. Uh, well, you can just smile and look at me adoringly, then. That will work just fine!

Christine: Okay! Obliges.

(They reach the Phantom's lair. Christine looks around in confusion and slight disturbance.)

Christine: This is where you _live_?

Phantom: Yes, it is. Do you like it?

Christine: It's kinda damp and dark and musty and a little depressing. Why don't you have a normal house?

Phantom: Oh, that was taken by some other guy who lives around here somewhere. So I have this wonderful lair instead!

Christine: Well, I suppose if you're happy...

Phantom: Splendid! Mind if I seduce you now?

Christine: Sure!

Phantom: Great! He begins to show her around and caress her in random places. Here is the dock where I keep my gondola, here is my pipe organ, here is my model of you in a wedding dress...

Model: Smiles eerily. Suddenly a breeze sweeps past and it moves.

Christine: EEE! Passes out.

Phantom: Ooh, that's not good. Luckily, he catches her in time. He carries her to the gondola and lays her down gently.

(Christine, lying in the gondola, begins to stir, possibly because of the Phantom's obnoxious organ playing.)

Christine: Whoa, where am I? What did I _do _last night? Oh, wait, now I'm starting to remember. Let's see, there were candles, and a lake, and a boat, and some guy. She wanders out to where the Phantom is visible. Hey, there he is now! Hi, some guy!

Phantom: Too busy composing to notice her.

Christine: Humph. Fine, be like that. Hey, I wonder what's under that mask. It's so...shiny and it's practically begging me to pull it off. Hmm...

(She sneaks up behind the Phantom and reaches for his mask. He still doesn't notice her and pulls away to dip his pen in ink just as she is about to pull off his mask.)

Christine: Grr...

(She tries again, the same thing happens, but the third time is a charm and the mask comes off. The Phantom is rather unattractive, but nothing like THE LIVING CORPSE HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE. )

Phantom: AAAAGGGHHHH! NOOOOOO! HOW DARE YOU?!

Christine: (huddled in a corner crying) I'M SORRYYYY! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE UGLY!!

Phantom: (ignoring her apology) YOU CAN NEVER ESCAPE NOW THAT YOU HAVE DONE THIS! YOU MUST REMAIN HERE FOREVER WITH ME, MY UGLY FACE, AND MY ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES!

Christine: whimpers

Phantom: decides to stop capslocking and goes over to huddle in his own corner and rock back and forth

Christine: Calms down and decides Erik would probably like his mask back sometime soon. She picks it up, goes over to the other corner and drops it in his lap.

Phantom: picks up the mask and puts it on, not doing the stage crawl thing that just looks rather ridiculous. Wipes his nose. Thanks. Great. Oh, I guess it's time to take you back now. Come on.

* * *

_Part two is the rest of act 1 and will be put up sometime in the next couple of days. I already have the whole thing written, so updates will mostly depend on how much time I have. Review, please!  
_


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm sorry for not updating sooner. I really meant to put this up around Tuesday or so but school pretty much spontaneously combusted and showered me with homework, so I didn't really have time. This weekend I had three essays and two projects, all due on Monday in addition to other homework. Anyway, I'll stop whining now and just let you read the second part of act 1. I'll try to get the next part up as soon as I can. Oh, and for the reviewer who asked, no, I didn't actually end up putting this on as a play. It didn't quite work out. But you never know for the future. Anyway, onward ho!  
_

* * *

(Joseph Buquet is telling scary stories to Meg and a random ballet girl.)

Buquet: And do you want to know the worst thing about the Phantom?

Ballet Girl: (entranced) What?

Buquet: His face! It's horrible!

Ballet Girl: -screams-

Meg: -rolls eyes- Moooommm! Joseph Buquet is doing it _again_!

(Madame Giry comes over.)

Madame Giry: -sighs- What now?

Meg: He was telling stories about the ghost!

Madame Giry: -slaps him- You know, Buquet, you should really learn when to shut up or you'll get yourself killed someday.

Buquet: -sulks-

Foreshadowing: -is there-

(We are now in the manager's office where he is sitting at his desk being confused over the notes he has just received. And talking to himself.)

Manager: Hmm, I wonder what I'm going to do tonight. Pretty much the whole cast has walked out. That could be a problem. Meh. Oh well. At least it's publicity. -finds a note on his desk in addition to the one he had placed on top of a book- Where the heck are these things coming from? Let's see, this one says "Christine rocked. Great improvement from Carlotta. Also, the dancing sucked. Tell that Giry woman to do something about it." Hmm, odd. This other one says "Dude, where's my money? I want it. NOW." How rude. If _I _wanted to request something, I would do it in a much more pol-

(Raoul suddenly bursts into the office)

Raoul: Hey, manager person! What's up with this note? And where's Christine?

Manager: How should I know where she is? Also, I didn't send you a note.

Raoul: Riiight. Sure. Whatever. Anyway, it says "Don't worry about Christine. Go on a nice vacation to Cancun and never see her again."

Manager: Well that's just-

(Suddenly Carlotta bursts in)

Carlotta: (pointing at Raoul) Why did you send me this note?

Raoul: What note?

Carlotta: The one that says "You suck. Christine's taking your place tonight and you won't do anything about it if you know what's good for you."

Raoul: I sent nothing of the sort!

Carlotta: Of course you didn't.

Manager: Gack! I'm sick and tired of these blasted notes popping up everywhere!

(Meg and Madame Giry burst in suddenly)

Meg: Hey, ya'all! Christine's back!

Madame Giry: And the Phantom wants to tell you to put Carlotta in the silent role, Christine in the lead, and leave his seat in box 5 open.

Manager: -rolls his eyes- If one more note shows up, I will seriously lose it!

Carlotta: -pouts- No one likes me! I won't sing!

Manager: -experiencing a sudden change in priorities- No, Carlotta! Don't leave! Everyone loves you! I love you!

Carlotta: You said that last time.

Manager: Did I? Oh well, it's still true. Sing, Carlotta! Sing!

Carlotta: Fine, I'll do it.

Manager: -kisses her hand in a fit of excitement-

Carlotta: -glares at him-

Manager: -backs up- Oh, sorry...

(It's now Il Muto! The actual opera isn't really shown, due to cast shortages. However, Carlotta and Christine are there, Carlotta is stealing the spotlight, and Raoul is sitting in box 5. Clearly everything is headed for disaster.)

Phantom: (disembodied voice suddenly booming out) There is someone in my seat! Did I not leave instructions regarding this?

Manger: -Grumbles-

Raoul: -Tries to look innocent-

Christine: Oh, no! What's _he _doing here?

Carlotta: Shut up, toad. _Your_ part is silent!

Phantom: Grumble, mumble, toad, mumble, mumble, double toad.

Carlotta: Okay, okay, everything's wonderful. Now, where did we leave off? Oh, yes she opens her mouth to sing but a loud croaking sound comes out instead Crooooaaaakkkk!

Audience: -stunned silence-

Quiet maniacal laughter: -comes out of nowhere-

Carlotta: Crooooaaaaakkkk! Croooaaak! Croak!

Maniacal laughter:- is loud by now- She's so bad, the chandelier is gonna come down!

Random stage person: -escorts the hysterical Carlotta offstage-

Manager: -rushing onstage from somewhere- Umm, well, hello everyone! Here's, uh, the ballet from act 3. makes dance pose Yes, the ballet! Enjoy!

(Most of the dancers seem to have missed the memo, because Meg is the only one who comes onstage, dancing around, trying to look happy as possible. A black cape keeps swishing around ominously in the background, somewhat distracting from Meg. Suddenly Christine runs onstage screaming her head off.)

Christine: -Screams- Oh my God! Someone hung Joseph Buquet!

(A limp hand falls around the edge of the curtain)

Christine: His body is backstage!

Manager: -rushes back onstage, leaving Meg to comfort Christine- Ladies and gentlemen! Please don't panic, because then I'll panic! So, um, sit down, and, uh, relax! It was just an accident, despite any evidence pointing to the contrary! We'll be back after a short intermission! Um, yeah! -Dashes offstage-

(Christine has retrieved Raoul from his seat and is dragging him off somewhere)

Raoul: Christine, where are we going?

Christine: To the roof! He'll never find us there!

Raoul: And why are going all the way up to the roof?

Christine: So he doesn't kill us!

Raoul: Oh, okay.

(They reach the roof and stop running.)

Raoul: So, um, you do know there is no Phantom, don't you?

Christine: No! He totally exists! I went to his _lair_, Raoul. I saw his _face_!

Raoul: His face? Oh, really? What was it like?

Christine: It was ugly! Well, I suppose it could have been worse. I mean, he had a nose and everything, but he definitely won't be winning any beauty pageants any time soon and that face isn't really something you'd want to meet in a dark alley...

Raoul: embraces her in a hug Aw, it's okay honey. Think of happier things. We can get married, and live together forever, and I'll keep you warm and safe and protected and AWAY FROM HIM.

Christine: Oh, Raoul, that sounds wonderful! When do we start?

Raoul: How about after this kiss?

(They kiss. The Phantom, who has been behind a statue the whole time, is upset.)

Phantom: -upset noise-

(They finally stop kissing.)

Christine: Oh, um, I guess I'd better go. The audience is probably getting bored by now. Wait for me with your pretty ponies after the show!

Raoul: Of course, sugar.

(They leave the roof being all lovey-dovey and hanging all over each other.)

Phantom: Christine, how could you do this to me? I thought you liked me! -cries-

(Happy sounds made by Christine and Raoul drift up to the roof and Erik loses it.)

Phantom: Agghhh! I will have my revenge! -Drops chandelier. Laughs maniacally.-


	3. Chapter 3

_Gack, sorry, meant to have this up sooner. Fortunately (or unfortunately), this is the second to last chapter, so there won't be too many more delays in the future. Anyway, enjoy!_

* * *

INTERMISSION!

(It's been six months since the chandelier fell and a masquerade ball is going on.)

Masqueraders: dance, make merry

Manager: I am so proud of myself for setting this all up.

Madame Giry: Everything has been going so well for the past few months, don't you think?

Everyone: agrees

(Raoul and Christine are preparing to join the party. Christine has a giant ring on a chain around her neck.)

Christine: Oh, Raoul, honey bunnykins! I love you! I'm so excited about our secret engagement. By the way, how does this ring look?

Raoul: It looks so great in your cleavage, baby.

Christine: giggles Thanks.

Raoul: Oh, uh, by the way, why is our engagement so secret?

Christine: Shh, I can't tell you.

(They join the party and everyone resumes dancing and having fun. Suddenly a giant, creepy, red figure appears at the top of the stairs. Everyone stops partying and stares.)

Phantom: Yo, what up, peeps?

(He starts descending the stairs and looks around at the stunned faces.)

Phantom: What, you didn't think I would really leave?

Meg: shakes head. No one else moves.

Phantom: Hm, whatevs. Hey, where's the manager?

Raoul: Points. Manager looks terrified.

Phantom: Great. Well, just so you know, you have to put on my opera or else. Here's the score. Tosses it. Walks over to Christine. Hey, nice ring in your cleavage. Too bad you CAN'T KEEP IT BECAUSE YOU BELONG TO ME! rips it out, swirls his cape dramatically, and disappears in a puff of smoke.

Meg: Whoa.

(Everyone besides Raoul and Madam Giry discreetly leaves the stage.)

Raoul: Madame Girrrryyyy, I know you know something...You're just so secretive and all-knowing. What do you know?

Madame Giry: Um, nothing! I know nothing!

Raoul: disapproving stare

Madame Giry: Fine, fine, just stop looking at me like that! Okay, it was, like, a long time ago and I was at this freak show. There was this dude locked up in a cage and he could do, like, magic tricks and architecture and play music and stuff. Oh, and he was an inventor, too. The people said he'd built some freaky mirror thing for the Shah of Persia.

Raoul: Really?

Madame Giry: Yeah. And he was, like, creepy looking. Deformed. Then he disappeared one day and was never heard from again.

Raoul: OMG, it's the Phantom!

Madame Giry: Time to go! Disappears mysteriously

Raoul: Wait, I have more, oh, never mind.

(Back to the manager's office! With more notes!)

Manager: Holding up a couple notes Noooooooo! I thought I was through with these things! Ugh, this one says "The orchestra sucks. Fix it." Well, isn't that supremely unhelpful. And also, "Fire the bad chorus members. Also, whoever can't act gets a horrible role." Great...

(Carlotta and Piangi burst into the office)

Carlotta: It's horrible! My part is so horrible!

Manager: Well, I'm sorry, but-

Piangi: My part is just as bad!

Manager: Not you too! Wait, who are you?

Piangi: Piangi, Carlotta's boyfriend. The lead tenor. Remember me?

Manager: Um, sorry, no. Have you even been in the show until now?

Piangi: Shrugs. Exits.

Carlotta: Oh, the things I must put up with!

(Christine enters)

Manager: Hey, look it's the star of the new show, Christine!

Carlotta: Pfft. She's not good enough to be the star.

Manager: Shut up.

Carlotta: She's totally setting this all up.

Christine: No, I'm not! How dare you? I don't even want to do this!

Sopranos: Are on verge of catfight

(Meg and Madame Giry enter at an opportune moment)

Meg: Hey, guys, there's another note! It's instructions for the new opera.

Madame Giry: clears throat The instructions are "Carlotta can't act, Piangi needs to lose weight, and Christine will be great if she doesn't abandon me."

Meg: What do you think?

(Raoul enters before anyone can reply.)

Raoul: Guess what? I just came up with a plan! It's perfect. Okay, so we put on the Phantom's freaky opera and he comes because Christine's there, of course. But... wait for it, wait for it, okay, we put a ton of armed police dudes there to shoot him. It's genius!

Christine: You do know he's probably listening to you right now?

Raoul: Did you say something, honey?

Christine: Never mind.

Madame Giry: This will never work.

Manager: Yuh-huh! It totally will.

(Christine has a sudden breakdown in the middle of the floor.)

Christine: Shut up! Raoul, help me! Your plan is kind of freaking me out. I don't want to do it! He'll probably kidnap me again and keep me down in that depressing cellar forEVER and make me sing for him!

Raoul: Well, um, I suppose that is a possibility...

Christine: Raoul, what do I do? I'd feel bad for betraying him, 'cause he taught me to sing and everything, but if I don't he'll kill us all! I have to agree, but, it's scary!

Raoul: Uh, yeah. Also, just so you know, the fate of the opera house is up to you. No pressure or anything.

Christine: Meep.

(Meg and Christine come onstage as everyone else leaves because it's a new scene.)

Meg: So, um, Don Juan rehearsals aren't going well.

Christine: Piangi can't pronounce words correctly!

Meg: And the piano started to play itself during rehearsals. It was freaky. Um, yeah.

(They leave the stage. Suddenly we're in a graveyard.)

Christine: Daddy, I miss you! I wish you were alive again, without being, like, a vampire or a zombie or something creepy like that. Yeah, I miss you!

(Suddenly the Phantom steps out from behind a grave.)

Phantom: Christiiiiinnnnee...

Christine: Who's there?

Phantom: It's um, your angel of music!

Christine: Oh! Angel! I missed you! Sorry I abandoned you.

Phantom: It's fine. Or it will be, if you just come to me.

(Raoul has been watching from the sidelines and decides it's time to intervene.)

Raoul: Christine! That's not your dad!

Christine: looks over, sort of as if in a trance Oh, Raoul, how nice...

Raoul: Let her go, fiend!

Phantom: You _are_ brave for a stuck-up aristocrat. Let's see how you hold up now! Pulls out a staff of doom Ha! Waves staff threateningly.

Raoul: Is something supposed to be happening?

Phantom: Where are the fireballs? I was sure there were fireballs in here... Examines staff closely

Raoul: Uh, we'll just be leaving, then.

Phantom: No, wait! I've got something! Starts chucking rocks at them Take that!

Raoul: Oh, really? Bring it! (Makes hand gesture)

Christine: No, Raoul, we're leaving now. Come on. Drags him off.

Phantom: Fine, be that way. But you know what this means? THERE WILL BE WAR!

(Meanwhile, back at the Opera House...)

Manager: So, police dudes, you're all ready?

Main Police Dude: Yep.

Manager: Great!


	4. Chapter 4

_I am so sorry it took me so long to update. I kind of forgot about the story, in part due to the start of NaNoWriMo. Anyway, this is the last chapter. However, I will be writing a Christmas themed story for a prompt at the Masked Ball community at Livejournal, so that'll probably be up around January or so, after the authors are announced on Livejournal. You know, just in case anyone wants to read more of my writing. [/self-pimping] All right, enjoy the final chapter.

* * *

_

(Finally! It's Don Juan! And we're cutting in right after the chorus leaves, due to the absence of a chorus.)

Piangi (as Don Juan): So, Passarino. She thinks I'm you and you're me and you'll dress up as me so she's sure you're me and then everyone will get drunk and I'll come home and convince her to come hide with me in my bedroom. Got it?

Passarino: (nods and is never seen again.)

(They both exit and Christine enters as Aminta)

Christine: I'm so innocent! Hehe!

(The Phantom enters instead of Piangi, but no one can tell because he's covered in a conveniently huge black cloak and not a voice range lower, unlike SOME people.)

Phantom: I know why you're here, and you know why I'm here, so let's not even pretend. Instead, let's sing a song with totally unsubtle metaphors and similes!

Christine: Okay!

Phantom: Raging fire! Rich desire! Sweet seduction!

Christine: Speech disappearing into silence! Entwining bodies! Racing blood! Buds bursting into bloom! Flames will CONSUME US!

Phantom: Yes! Uh, I mean, we've crossed the bridge so, something... something....we'll watch it burn!

Christine: Wait, you're not Piangi, are you? I think I know where this is going...

Phantom: No! Christine, stay with me forever while I serenade you with the song you sang with that wimpy aristocrat! Here, have a ring!

(He extends a ring to her. She stares at it.)

Christine: Um, sorry.

(She yanks off his mask exposing his ugly face to the WORLD!)

Phantom: AGGGHHHHH! NOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!

Christine: Sorry...

Crowd: (Gasps)

Phantom: YOU ARE COMING WITH ME!

(He pulls her away and starts yanking her down musty passageways while focus moves to everyone else. Carlotta comes out from behind a corner screaming and holding Piangi's dead body.)

Carlotta: Piangi! My boyfriend! He's dead!! (starts crying over the dead body)

Manager: Noooo! The Opera House is ruined! All my money down the drain! Well, at least I don't have to listen to any more terrible singing, but still! (starts crying over a handful of money)

Raoul: (Gasp) No!

Madame Giry: (grabs his hand and begins leading him away) Come with me, I can take you to him!

Raoul: Okay?

Madame Giry: But remember, keep your hand at the level of your eyes!

Raoul: What? But that makes no sense!

Madame Giry: It doesn't have to! Just follow me!

(We return to Christine and the Phantom, who is currently throwing a hissy fit at Christine in the gondola.)

Phantom: HOW COULD YOU?

Christine: Sheesh, I said I was sorry.

Phantom: DID YOU KNOW THAT THE ONLY REASON I LIVE DOWN IN THIS RATHOLE IS BECAUSE EVERYONE HATED MY HIDEOUS FACE?

Christine: Sorry!

(We now see Madame Giry leading Raoul down familiar-looking dark passageways, suddenly stopping.)

Raoul: Why are we stopping?

Madame Giry: I will go no further.

Raoul: Why?

Madame Giry: I don't really know. But you can probably find the way yourself, right? He lives across the lake.

Raoul: Huh?

(She leaves and he just stands there awkwardly.)

Raoul: What? I'M SO CONFUSED! I NEED HELP!

(Suddenly a Persian man appears.)

Persian: Fear no more, confused Vicomte! The Persian is here!

Raoul: The who?

Persian: (sighs and rolls eyes) Of course you wouldn't know me, I'm never in any of these things. I don't see why, though. I think I'm just a peachy person to be around...

Raoul: Um, hello? I need help here.

Persian: Oh, right! Follow me, and remember to keep your hand at the level of your eyes.

Raoul: Why does everyone keep telling me that?

(The Persian doesn't answer, but leads him a bit further, then stops.)

Raoul: What now?

Persian: I don't want to take you any further.

Raoul: And why?

Persian: Well, the last time I led someone down here, we ended up in the torture chamber, so I'm leaving you here. Don't worry, though. You're almost there. Bye! (He exits)

Raoul: Torture chamber? (gulps, but continues on.)

(And...back to the Phantom and Christine, who are now in the Phantom's lair.)

Christine: (Sighs) So, what are you going to do to me now?

Phantom: Do you know I'm still a virgin?!

Christine: Um, wow.

Phantom: My mommy never loved me! And now you have to stay here with me forever and stare at my HIDEOUS FACE for all eternity!

Christine: Yeah, it's really not so scary once you get used to it. Your personality on the other hand...

(Suddenly Raoul shows up.)

Raoul: Christine!

Christine: Raoul! My hero!

Phantom: Oh, perfect! I was hoping you would show up.

Raoul: Really?

Phantom: Oh, yes.

Raoul: Something seems wrong here...

Phantom: Come in, come in, and don't worry. I would never harm Christine. Because everything is YOUR FAULT!

(He nooses Raoul suddenly.)

Raoul: Nnnggk. Oh, my hand at the level of my...ohhhh. Now I get it! Anyway, I knew it was too good to be true.

Phantom: Um, duh! So, Christine, here is your choice of doom. Marry me, and I let him go. Refuse, and I'll KILL HIM! Mwahahahahahaha!

Christine: You're really good with no-win situations, aren't you?

Phantom: (evil smile)

Raoul: Christine, don't do it! I came all the way down here for you and it would really defeat the purpose if you went with him.

Christine: Hmm, it's such a hard decision...

Raoul: HOW?

Phantom: Just decide already before I kill him out of boredom!

Christine: (looks thoughtful) Hmm...

(Suddenly she goes up to the Phantom and kisses him. A lot. For a long time. He freaks out, but then decides it's okay and enjoys it. They finally stop.)

Raoul: NNNNGGGHHH!

Phantom: (Stands frozen for a couple minutes before grabbing a dangerous implement and holds it over Raoul's head, then cutting him down. Sniffles and rubs one of his eyes before turning to face the couple now making googly eyes at each other. There is chanting in the distance from a mob someone put together.)

Mob: WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, PHANTOM, AND WE ARE COMING!

Phantom: Both of you, leave me and go back to your happy lives with each other!

Christine: But...you just said.... I thought....what?

Phantom: You're not making this any easier! Go. Now. With. Him.

Christine: But, what about you?

Phantom: (sniffles) Just...leave me!

Christine: But then you'll be all alone.

Phantom: No duh, woman, now just leave!

Christine: How about one more kiss before I leave?

Phantom: No! Just leave before I change my mind!

Raoul: Christine! Come on! Let's leave before the mob gets here! I have an irrational fear of pitchforks!

Christine: Oh, fine. Bye, Angel! I'll be sure to write!

Raoul: Christine!

Christine: I'm coming!

(She leaves and the Phantom begins staring with the stuffed animal that serves as his music box.)

Phantom: You would never leave me, would you?

Stuffed animal: (Stare)

(Suddenly Christine comes back)

Phantom: Christine, you've returned for me!

Christine: (shuffles her feet awkwardly) Um, not really. Raoul just wanted me to return your ring. He didn't think it was right for me to wear someone else's ring when I was getting married to him.

Phantom: Oh. I see. (Looks as if he's about to cry)

Christine: Well, if it's any comfort, I didn't agree. I would have kept it forever, and put it in a special place, and built a shrine around it...

Phantom: You're not helping!

Christine: Oh, right. Sorry. Well, um, bye.

(She leaves and the Phantom stares at the ring.)

Phantom: WAAAHHHH! CHRISTINE'S GONE AND NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR!

(Walks over to the giant chair he has in the middle of the room and sits down with his cloak over him. The lights flash and the mob enters. Meg walks over to the chair and lifts up the cloak, only to find the Phantom's mask, which she holds up to the light in a dramatic way, with huge eyes, staring at the audience.)

THE END!


End file.
